Look At Me
by everworld2662
Summary: [Pagan's Crusade] [PaganxRoland] [Oneoff]
1. Chapter 1

Look At Me

**Book: **Pagan's Crusade, _Catherine Jinks  
_**Pairing: **Pagan/Roland.  
**Length: **Approximately 600 words.  
**Rating: **PG-13  
**Set: **After Pagan's Crusade.  
**Feedback: **Please.

He never was as blind as Pagan seemed to think.

He never was a fool, never quite shut his eyes to every tiny gesture Pagan made towards him, every glance and glance away. The squire always did have a trouble concentrating, but only Roland realized that it was only when he was about.

Bits and pieces collected – Lord Roland would not be taken for the fool. He had run away from the monastery for reasons he had nightmares about. Clawing himself awake, screaming nightmares. He had never known his father, and his mother very little. He had taken a sword wound across the neck and shoulder. Fallen in and out, and then very much in again, of debt. Fled – the street rat Pagan, possessing nothing and hunted down, fled into the arms of the Templar.

Roland can't help flicking through all of this in his head as he watches Joscelin beckon the young squire into the alleyway.

As for Pagan? Pagan thinks he's in trouble, and it's not only the sword at the neck. He thinks his in trouble, and he doesn't know where he's going, and he doesn't have anything or anyone to hang on to.

"I'll get it! I'll get your money! When I get paid!"

Roland can't understand why he's taking so long to step in, but when he finally does his sword is quite steady.

"Let go of him. _Gently_."

It's the '_gently_' that seems to hurt the most.

* * *

"I have nothing but this. Nothing. And – and you're the only one."

They're so different, Pagan can't understand how someone like Roland – someone good and perfect and saintly, like Roland – can echo his own feelings so well. So different, but so very the same.

Somehow during this speech, Pagan's hand on his arm has moved up to his chin and face, and Roland only notices at the last moment. It takes an unbelievable amount of self control to not jerk away. And not to lean in. Just to stay, very still, pale and eyes wide open.

* * *

"What is it? Where is it? Show me! _Show me!_"

Roland may be a saint, but he's got no self control. Tying Pagan's sleeve up at the elbow, loud and furious in the midst of the bloodshed.

"Do you think I want to lose _you _as well?"

God forbid.

* * *

And Roland's finally set himself up for the perfect self-sacrifice, but Pagan catches onto his belt, pulling him back. Gently, he removes his hand.

"You're too worried about getting your little foothold in heaven – "

Roland's trying hard not to be selfish, but Pagan's just pointed out the major flaw in his plan.

"Pagan. Pagan, forgive me. I'm so sorry."

Pagan wonders for a single second what Roland thinks he's apologizing for.

"I had no right – "

"Yes you did. I'm your squire. That's what I'm here for."

Ignores Roland's babbling. God, does the man really not see what's going on here?

"Did you change your mind, my lord? About the ransom?"

"No. I haven't."

"Then _no_, I don't forgive you."

He shouldn't have said that. He didn't.

Roland touches his cheekbone.

"I'm certainly not staying if _you _go."

Roland lays a finger over his mouth.

"Well I don't see how you're going to stop me. If you're dead."

The reaction is gratifying.

* * *

"Please, please my lord! It's crazy – he's spent his whole life trying to do the right thing – and I'd pay the money myself if I could, but I've got nothing, nothing – "

_I can't bear it if he dies_.

Pagan's crying, on his knees in front of Saladin with Roland behind him, clenching his teeth.

"My lord, have some mercy! Think of _me_. You're all I have left."

_Can't you see what I'm feeling?_

_Look at me, Roland. _

Look at me.


	2. Author's Note

**This isn't an update. **

_But: _I was surprised when I realized firstly, that so many people enjoyed the fic, and secondly, that so many people out there had actually read Pagan's Crusade.

And so I went out and created a livejournal community for it. This was a (couple of) year(s) ago, and it sat quietly in some corner of the internet, undisturbed, for quite some time till a fellow Pagan fan got pissed, emailed me, and chivvied me into some serious action. Between the two of us, we now have a running, quite active, and steadily growing Pagan online community. Yes, we are still small (30 or so members), but we are getting bigger every day, and, more importantly, we are quite active. And, for those of you here who commented expressing surprise that Pagan-fic existed - it does. And there is a small but respectable quantity of it on the livejournal community; most of which are _not _posted on is the site of the LJ community, for those of you who are interested: http // pagansfandom . livejournal . com.

I just thought it might be a nice idea to let you guys know that the 'net is not _entirely _Pagan-void.

Ever1

PS: Oh! And thanks for all your reviews, and for reading in the first place.


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